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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.