Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
